Thread Rating:
  • 0 Vote(s) - 0 Average
  • 1
  • 2
  • 3
  • 4
  • 5
Conviction
#1
Dear truthseeker and fellow readers,

I want to share a story. 

Where to begin. I will start at the beginning although I will not be able to provide alot of detail in one singular post - I will try though. 
Firstly, whether you believe in God or his Son Jesus Christ is not the 'moral of this story' or the aim to convert you. This is not a debate for an argument that God exists. With that said I will proceed.

I was baptsed into christ as a baby. I mention this because I now believe with all my heart and based on scripture that we are the clay and the Lord is the potter. Predestination is biblical once you understand the scripture. The book of Romans made this clear to me. For those that know scripture - Mathew 11, Ephesians 1 and 2, Romans 8 - 10, John 6, Revelations 13, and many more places in the bible.

However even though I visited church frequently from my youth to young adulthood - I have lived a sinful life. I was a slave to sin. My thoughts betrayed me everday.

I rejected Gods word through my actions and I was led down a path of darkness - narcissism, apathy, sexual lust, pornography, dispair, anxiety, depression, anger outbursts, rage, hopelessness, depravity, egotistical ambition, jealousy, short tempered, gossip and other sinful behaviours.

I rejected advice and abandoned teaching from my father and mother. My last 25 years have been 25 years of sin. From primary school to high school to college to young adult hood.

Up until recently I was having a sexual relationship with a woman 20 years older than me. I met her when she was staying with another man who was a married man and also had another mistress on the side.

This woman I was seeing then left him and his (their apartment) after a emotional break up. She is a broken woman and has shared with me a lifetime of hurt and brokenness. She has had many sexual partners in her lifetime. As a beautiful woman she has led a very sinful life in the flesh.

I met her and we created a relationship. This took place almost one year ago when I first met her. We would meet up to engage in sexual activites and have sex. We also confided in each other and shared many things. This has been going on up until last weekend. 

We developed a friendship and caring for one another as a result. However because it was sex outside of marriage and lust of the flesh it started to eat away at me (even though I had already lost my sexual purity before meeting her).

A friend of mine referred me to Proverbs and about the wayward wife/woman and that is when it started to eat away at me drastically and very quickly. That night after reading Proverbs I could barely sleep. 

I have as mentioned grown up 'christian' and with a christian mother. I am not a stranger to the bible or the christian faith and its religion. However spiritually I was dead as many christians are (many).

I remembered sleeping with a married woman, and sleeping with a prostitute. It tore me apart that night. I read the words of King Solomon from his book Proverbs and I realised I was the foolish young man he speaks of.

I was convicted. Like never before. 

Last night I met up with the woman I had been seeing. I told her I can no longer be a slave to sin. She was already crying before I met up with her as she could sense in my text message that something was not right. It moved me and I held her (She was distraught). We spoke for hours and I told her that I can no longer disobey God my father. I told her I have been convicted through his word. How his word has changed me (being pulled slowly and now drastically).

(prior to this I had been being pulled to his word and was slowly having spiritual chains taken off me - playstation addiction, watching frequent degenerate movies, pornography addiction, and degenerate music addiction).

Last night she was very emotional and we debated certain topics because she rejects the bible and considers it to be mans teaching and not Gods. I asked her if she loves me and she told me she does not but she cares for me. I told her the same. I then explained to her that sex is to be between a husband and wife. Its supposed to be sacred between two people who love each other (of opposite sex). As it says in Genesis - a man shall leave his father and mother and be united with his wife, and they shall become one flesh.

I told her I would be here to support her as she told me she is very vulnerable as she has no other friend in the city besides me. I told her I would pray about this and ask for guidance, but I could no longer disobey God and his teaching.

Our sexual relationship is over. I made that clear to her. She does not fear God and she is not my wife nor I her husband. 

But since I care for her and she for me I promised her I would not abandon her. I will continue to minister to her as best I can and go for walks with her on the beach and share friendship with her. 

I believe God has drawn me and convicted me. These chains that held me down he has lifted off me. I felt immense guilt and shame for what I had done and I have been so hungry for Gods word I have been reading it everyday (something I had never done before). Although throughout my life seeking truth - a hunger never satisfied that even led me to curse at God out of frustration. 

I am prepared to be ridiculed and mocked. But I care not.
 
God is just, God is righteous and God is sovereign.

Galatians 6:7-10

"Do not be deceived: God cannot be mocked. A man reaps what he sows. The one who sows to please his sinful nature, from that nature will reap destruction; the one who sows to please the spirit, from the spirit will reap eternal life".

Hebrews 4:12-13
For the word of God is living and active. Sharper than any double edged sword, it penetrates even to dividing soul and spirit, joints and marrow; it judges the thoughts and attitudes of our heart. Nothing in all creation is hidden from God's sight. Everything is uncovered and laid bare before the eyes of him to whom we must give account.

Reply
#2
You did the right thing for multiple reasons. Enjoy your freedom. I don't think you should talk to this woman anymore. If she wants to be broken, she can stay that way.

I've done something similar but only 1 time. I had sex with a woman that was 4 years older than me. I knew that it was just sex and so she did. In fact, that's what she wanted.

Looking back, I've had sex with 4 women, and if I could turn back time I would gladly erase those moments, for I didn't love anyone of them nor did they love me. It was all sin as you describe it.

But in my and your defense, we have to admit that this environment is pretty strong. Sex is encouraged.

For example, one time I was talking to a woman that I really liked. She asked my when was the last time I'd had sex. The answer was 1-2 years ago, I couldn't even remember. But I answered "3 months ago".

She reacted as if I'd said 3 years. She expected me to be a "slayer". I never met this woman because she refused to meet me.

All the women that I'd liked didn't reciprocate ever.

It is what it is.

But as the years went by, I really stopped carrying, for numbers really mean nothing if you don't love the person you're with.
Reply
#3
(07-23-2020, 07:54 PM)TruthSeeker Wrote: For example, one time I was talking to a woman that I really liked. She asked my when was the last time I'd had sex. The answer was 1-2 years ago, I couldn't even remember. But I answered "3 months ago".

She reacted as if I'd said 3 years. She expected me to be a "slayer". I never met this woman because she refused to meet me.

All the women that I'd liked didn't reciprocate ever. 

The supposition that women are attracted to long term monogamous men who value love, and turned off by players/slayers, is one of the lies of sexual modernity. It's one of the sub-lies in the greater lie that women and men are the same and attracted and turned off by the same things, when the truth is the opposite. In reality women fantasize about you being a player/slayer - a characteristic of an apex man to them - and if you aren't they are disillusioned to some lesser or greater extent. I've done this rookie mistake too and she likewise immediately changed tune to not wanting to meet me anymore.
Reply
#4
(07-23-2020, 07:54 PM)TruthSeeker Wrote: You did the right thing for multiple reasons. Enjoy your freedom. I don't think you should talk to this woman anymore. If she wants to be broken, she can stay that way.

I've done something similar but only 1 time. I had sex with a woman that was 4 years older than me. I knew that it was just sex and so she did. In fact, that's what she wanted.

Looking back, I've had sex with 4 women, and if I could turn back time I would gladly erase those moments, for I didn't love anyone of them nor did they love me. It was all sin as you describe it.

But in my and your defense, we have to admit that this environment is pretty strong. Sex is encouraged.

For example, one time I was talking to a woman that I really liked. She asked my when was the last time I'd had sex. The answer was 1-2 years ago, I couldn't even remember. But I answered "3 months ago".

She reacted as if I'd said 3 years. She expected me to be a "slayer". I never met this woman because she refused to meet me.

All the women that I'd liked didn't reciprocate ever.

It is what it is.

But as the years went by, I really stopped carrying, for numbers really mean nothing if you don't love the person you're with.

My friend said the same thing - to cut her off completely.

I don't disagree. I am already fighting urges to be with her again sexually. I also no longer want to be the fool from Proverbs.

But call it what you will - soft spot, weakness, or compassion, I feel for her still. After all I have spent a year meeting up with her once a week on average and talking and connecting with her. Telling her about my parents, friends and even my close brother.

To see tears in her eyes and know that I had the power to hurt her alot more than I initially invisioned - moved me and caused me to be gentle.

But I can also see the danger in continuing to see her. After all the bible says the adulteress/wayward wife/strange woman has lips that drip of honey. 

And she is a adulteress - she lived with a married man and had sex with him. This was actually one of the things that we argued about. I told her it was sinful but she didn't understand (or didn't want to). She said I was judging her. She wouldn't accept that her actions were wrong - instead she said God blessed her by teaching her a lesson in it all.

I told her I was trying to point out the act was sinful and to show her that it was a sin. Yet she replied and refused to be moved on the subject that she believed God had given her his blessing to move in with this married man.

I told her God does not bless sin. From that we had our first argument since I met her a year before. 

She claims to have a close relationship with God. But she breaks his commands and refuses to admit it. 

It also disturbs me knowing about all the men shes been with before me. Part of me wants to just say "you made your life choices now lay in the bed you made" to her. But I don't want to be cruel to her. 
She comes across so gentle and sweet, quite astonishing.

If I played you a voice note from her you would say she sounds like a angel.

But then again Proverbs has already called her out on her treacherous behaviour before she was even born - This is the way of an adulteress, she eats and wipes her mouth, and says "i've done nothing wrong".

I told her it would have been nice if she was 25 and she met me at 25. She agreed, but the smarted man inside me knew that at 25 she most likely would have rejected me. After all, almost entirely all the past boyfriends she mentioned to me sounded like handsome bad boys. I know she rejected her fair share of men in her youth too.

I too, have not had alot of different sexual partners. 4 in total like you. If I could take them all back - I would. In a second with no second thought. That article you made on virgin shaming really resignated with me. 

I would give anything to take my purity back. To know that I can never again experience that first time with a woman I am truly in love with and her me (my wife) is somewhat unsettling.

Reply
#5
(07-24-2020, 07:29 AM)Brett Wrote: My friend said the same thing - to cut her off completely.

I don't disagree. I am already fighting urges to be with her again sexually. I also no longer want to be the fool from Proverbs.

But call it what you will - soft spot, weakness, or compassion, I feel for her still. After all I have spent a year meeting up with her once a week on average and talking and connecting with her. Telling her about my parents, friends and even my close brother.

To see tears in her eyes and know that I had the power to hurt her alot more than I initially invisioned - moved me and caused me to be gentle.

But I can also see the danger in continuing to see her. After all the bible says the adulteress/wayward wife/strange woman has lips that drip of honey. 

And she is a adulteress - she lived with a married man and had sex with him. This was actually one of the things that we argued about. I told her it was sinful but she didn't understand (or didn't want to). She said I was judging her. She wouldn't accept that her actions were wrong - instead she said God blessed her by teaching her a lesson in it all.

I told her I was trying to point out the act was sinful and to show her that it was a sin. Yet she replied and refused to be moved on the subject that she believed God had given her his blessing to move in with this married man.

I told her God does not bless sin. From that we had our first argument since I met her a year before. 

She claims to have a close relationship with God. But she breaks his commands and refuses to admit it. 

It also disturbs me knowing about all the men shes been with before me. Part of me wants to just say "you made your life choices now lay in the bed you made" to her. But I don't want to be cruel to her. 
She comes across so gentle and sweet, quite astonishing.

If I played you a voice note from her you would say she sounds like a angel.

But then again Proverbs has already called her out on her treacherous behaviour before she was even born - This is the way of an adulteress, she eats and wipes her mouth, and says "i've done nothing wrong".

I am irreligious (although I wish I had the capability to not be so), but enjoy thinking about theology.

To what you have written I would say that both the christian satan and sin itself appear as seductive and pleasant, not as repulsive and bothersome, and this is what causes the conflict you might experience with this woman. In this sense the depiction of the devil as some conspicuously dislikable fiend is gravely misleading. Instead the point is that everything about the devil and sin is superficially attractive. The devil would appear in a pleasing form with a personable and smooth personality, making you feel they are your understanding friend and raising both your aesthetic appreciation, mood and sympathy.

This is not meant as a comment on whether your course of action is right or wrong, but merely a reminder that in our reality the form is always what disguises the content for good or bad. If her form was as ugly and unpleasant as you find the content of her sin, then neither this dilemma nor your encounter in the first place would have taken place, but we do not live in a world where aesthetics reflect the degree of virtue or sin as aesthetics in an ideal world would. Thus in this world our senses curse us incorrigibly to abide sin and discount virtue, similar to how our minds are incurably cursed with compulsions, obsessions and cognitive biases.
Reply
#6
(07-24-2020, 08:06 AM)Loverboy Wrote: I am irreligious (although I wish I had the capability to not be so), but enjoy thinking about theology.

To what you have written I would say that both the christian satan and sin itself appear as seductive and pleasant, not as repulsive and bothersome, and this is what causes the conflict you might experience with this woman. In this sense the depiction of the devil as some conspicuously dislikable fiend is gravely misleading. Instead the point is that everything about the devil and sin is superficially attractive. The devil would appear in a pleasing form with a personable and smooth personality, making you feel they are your understanding friend and raising both your aesthetic appreciation, mood and sympathy.

This is not meant as a comment on whether your course of action is right or wrong, but merely a reminder that in our reality the form is always what disguises the content for good or bad. If her form was as ugly and unpleasant as you find the content of her sin, then neither this dilemma nor your encounter in the first place would have taken place, but we do not live in a world where aesthetics reflect the degree of virtue or sin as aesthetics in an ideal world would. Thus in this world our senses curse us incorrigibly to abide sin and discount virtue, similar to how our minds are incurably cursed with compulsions, obsessions and cognitive biases.

Your words are true and wise.

In the Garden of Eden it says the forbidden fruit was pleasing to the eye. 

Also it says the devil masquerades as a angel of light (beauty) as therefore his followers/servants will.

Its true, a ugly fat feminist with purple hair repulses any sensible man. Not only by her appearance but also by her ideals - we know she despises men.

But the devil is not stupid, he knows using her would be like using a blunt knife, even though she is evil.

Rather a beautiful wicked woman is more useful in charming a man. Dissarming him and penetrating his thoughts.

A beautiful woman can even ruin a great man.

Proverbs

A kings mother says to her son:

O my son, O son of my womb, O son of my vows, do not spend your strength on women, your vigour on those who ruin kings.

Reply
#7
(07-24-2020, 05:54 AM)Loverboy Wrote: The supposition that women are attracted to long term monogamous men who value love, and turned off by players/slayers, is one of the lies of sexual modernity. It's one of the sub-lies in the greater lie that women and men are the same and attracted and turned off by the same things, when the truth is the opposite. In reality women fantasize about you being a player/slayer - a characteristic of an apex man to them - and if you aren't they are disillusioned to some lesser or greater extent. I've done this rookie mistake too and she likewise immediately changed tune to not wanting to meet me anymore.

I think so too. Women spend their best years chasing "bad boys" while the men who would really love them are put on the bench.
Reply
#8
(07-23-2020, 07:54 PM)TruthSeeker Wrote: But in my and your defense, we have to admit that this environment is pretty strong. Sex is encouraged.

A King may move a man, a father may claim a son, but remember that even when those who move you be Kings, or men of power, your soul is in your keeping alone. When you stand before God, you cannot say, "But I was told by others to do thus." Or that, "Virtue was not convenient at the time." This will not suffice. Remember that. ~ King Baldwin IV
Reply
#9
(07-24-2020, 07:09 PM)ru.ev Wrote: A King may move a man, a father may claim a son, but remember that even when those who move you be Kings, or men of power, your soul is in your keeping alone. When you stand before God, you cannot say, "But I was told by others to do thus." Or that, "Virtue was not convenient at the time." This will not suffice. Remember that. ~ King Baldwin IV

Very powerful quote.

Reply
#10
(07-24-2020, 07:09 PM)ru.ev Wrote: A King may move a man, a father may claim a son, but remember that even when those who move you be Kings, or men of power, your soul is in your keeping alone. When you stand before God, you cannot say, "But I was told by others to do thus." Or that, "Virtue was not convenient at the time." This will not suffice. Remember that. ~ King Baldwin IV

And what if God and Satan are in this game together and we're merely pawns who can never find peace? What if we're already in hell?
Reply


Forum Jump:


Users browsing this thread: 2 Guest(s)